Relationships: 4 Communication Traps

Is communication a problem in your relationship?
Do you often argue or fight?
Do you never argue or fight?
Do you struggle to connect with your partner?
Do you feel like you aren’t on the same page?
Do you struggle to understand your partner’s perspective?

Communication issues are common across every relationship. However, there are certain communication traps that are toxic and if these are engaged in to a consistently high level, they will most likely lead to either the end of the relationship or a dysfunctional relationship. These communication traps have been formulated based on research conducted by John Gottman. The Gottman Institute apply a research-based approach to relationships and have many helpful resources to use.

This blog will simply and briefly describe these four communication traps that can impact negatively on a relationship. Also, we will identify the antidote to counteract each communication trap.

Here are the 4 communication traps:

1. Criticism

Criticism is an attack on a person’s character or personality. Criticism involves making a generalised negative comment that labels your partner to be a certain way. Examples of criticising comments include:

“How could you be so stupid?”
“You are so lazy.”
“Why are you so selfish?”.

These comments are likely to make your partner feel insulted and hurt. These comments don’t include the specific behaviours that underlie these comments being made.

Antidote: Communicating a complaint

A complaint aims to address a person’s behaviour, rather than attacking their character. Making a complaint is more specific, easier for the other person to digest, less aggressive and ultimately more appropriate and respectful. Examples of communicating a complaint include:

“I noticed that you didn’t call me last night when you said you would, I was worried if you were OK. Could you please call me next time?”
“I feel frustrated when you leave your clothes on the floor”.

2. Contempt

When we communicate in a state of contempt we treat others with disrespect. Contempt is worse than the previous communication trap of criticism. Criticism attacks a person’s character, whereas contempt assumes a level of superiority over the other person. Contempt, or disrespect, can be conveyed in different ways which can include sarcastic humour, name calling, eye rolling, scoffing. The victim of contempt can often feel insignificant and worthless.

One example of contempt would be for a person to make “jokes” about their partner in front of their friends.

A more subtle example of contempt would be for a person to not really pay attention to what their partner is saying, ultimately conveying that what they are saying is of little or no value.

Antidote: Respectful communication

The opposite of contempt is respect, so engaging in respectful communication is a clear antidote to this communication trap. Respectful communication will help to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.

An example of respectful communication would be to tell your partner something that you appreciate about him or her.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is protecting yourself against a perceived attack from the other person. When we feel unjustly accused, we can often look for excuses outside of ourselves. This can sometimes involve blaming your partner, essentially saying “the problem isn’t me, it’s you”.

Here’s an example of defensiveness. In response to your partner pointing out to you that you haven’t put the washing away that you said you would, instead of apologising and taking responsibility, you say to your partner “If it’s so important to you, why don’t you do it”.

Antidote: Taking responsibility

Taking responsibility is accepting your role in the situation and admitting a possible fault or mistake you have made. This may involve a sincere apology and making amends, which would validate taking responsibility.

For example, “I’m sorry for not putting the washing away, it slipped my mind. I will do it right now”.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling involves shutting down, disengaging or withdrawing from a discussion or argument. Stonewalling builds a wall between yourself and your partner. Stonewalling can often occur in response to the other three communication traps or develop on its own as a way of avoiding confrontation. Stonewalling does not allow for conflict resolution.

As an example, when disagreeing about something with your partner, you say “I don’t want to talk about this”, and then walk away.

Antidote: Self-soothing

The answer to stonewalling is not simply to engage and participate in the discussion, rather to self-soothe. Individuals often engage in stonewalling because they are feeling overwhelmed. Therefore, by taking a few moments to temporarily disengage and calm down, they can return to the conversation later in a less overwhelmed and emotionally heightened state.

For example, when you are feeling overwhelmed during an argument with your partner, instead of walking away you could say “I am sorry to interrupt, but I am feeling overwhelmed and need to take a break. Can you give me 20 minutes and then we can talk?”

 

If you have noticed that you engage in any of these communication traps, I would encourage you to practice the research-based antidotes to the communication traps that are relevant for you. This will help to improve your relationship.

If you have a partner or know of someone else who engages in one of these communication traps, I would encourage you to express yourself to this person in a respectful and assertive manner. I will be writing a blog on assertive communication soon which will be helpful for knowing how to communicate with this person.

If you need professional help from a psychologist please contact Leading Psychology, we are here to help!